Captivating Chapter 1: By Way of the Heart
The end of Chapter 1... wow only 1 chapter and already I see why this book is an important part of my life. Sometimes though as I'm reading it I think to myself. Am I really ready to find out who I am. To discover me. Because what if I do and it is someone different than I thought I was. It scares me. Because how will I be able to fulfill the new found needs Im already starting to feel. How will I make my life more what I want it to be. How do I be strong. How to do all this and still feel fulfilled and happy. WOW. ok!
but none the less... i found myself reading
"You can find that life- If you are willing to embark on a great adventure."
I wrote in my book. Sure! Lets begin! without even thinking about it. So as scared as I feel I must be willing and ready because I already confirmed that in my writing in the book. SO...
LETS BEGIN!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Captivating 10.18.2008
Captivating: The Heart of a Man
Ok so this may be the first and most dissapointing chapter for me... Im don't mean that people arent like this but so far in my life there is only 1 man, if he so be called that, that is that way and that is JESUS... I have never in my life met a man like this chapter explains. Not my Dad, my brother, my other dad, or... my husband. None of them have these male qualities that are explained. I dont know if I'm supposed to be sad that I dont know a man like this, or annoyed that maybe this section isnt true. I just dont know. Jesus is like that though. He is my HERO!
Ok so this may be the first and most dissapointing chapter for me... Im don't mean that people arent like this but so far in my life there is only 1 man, if he so be called that, that is that way and that is JESUS... I have never in my life met a man like this chapter explains. Not my Dad, my brother, my other dad, or... my husband. None of them have these male qualities that are explained. I dont know if I'm supposed to be sad that I dont know a man like this, or annoyed that maybe this section isnt true. I just dont know. Jesus is like that though. He is my HERO!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Captivating 10.07.2008
Captivating: Beauty to Unveil
This section was hard for me to swallow. Instantly the word beauty is like cold ice running down my back. I mean its there and then its gone its this and its that. It makes you feel good an hurts you at the same time. Beauty is a farce. Right? Well now I dont know. I mean beauty I guess gets a bad wrap because in our society we make it more of a physical thing. Beauty is how you wear your hair, the clothes you wear and how much they cost, the size of your waste, the bulge of da bust. I mean beauty has always been to me something I want but in the end felt bad about trying so deeply to achieve.
Beauty is girls and handsome is boys. Beauty is pink, and sparkles, and... blonde.
Beauty has made me terribly sad when I didnt have "it". I used to cry, I used to cover the mirror in my bathroom because I didnt want to see myself get out of the shower. I got to the point where everytime I walked past a mirror I would make a crazy face at it so I didnt have to deal with the fact that I really didnt like my own face. How is this feeling good!? Why would I want to achieve it? I DONT KNOW I JUST DO!!
Then one day I lost loads of weight. I was sick, sick as a dog. For months. I couldnt eat. 6 months of this. And BAM... a princess was born! I felt like crap all the time but I sang and danced everywhere! I was "BEAUTIFUL". I was a size 6-8 my face was thin. I was losing hair by the handfuls because I had no nutrition in my body but WOW I looked not too shabby when I walked past that mirror.
What did this get me? Creepy guys. So very many creepy guys. I remember in England Ashley and I were walking down the road and these guys approached us. One of them got uncomfertabley close and started asking me questions. Ashley the amazing sister she is got in full protection mode. But these guys were so toasted they didnt really seem to notice Ashley's mood change to guardian sister. One guy said "what you do for..." and made a gesture. I pretended to not understand. He said it again. My stomach started to curl. I was totally freaked out. I knew Ash would try and do something if things started to get worse and I didnt want her to get hurt. And I was clearly worried about other things at this point too. Duh. And then ... God came flying down... one of the other guys said "leave her alone man she is just trying to enjoy her vacation. You are freaking her out." I know he saw Ashley I just know he did, but at that moment God used that man as a vessel to keep us safe Im sure he did. Then as if to let me know that this world is a scary place and just to finish off the "I hate my beauty" moment the creepy man leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Then started to walk really fast because Ashley stepped forward, haha. When I looked down at my hands they were shaking. I didnt want to be beautiful anymore.
----
I know a lot of history there sorry. But I kept reading on about beauty, and I made a realization. Beauty can be physical but the beauty we want people to see is who we are. What makes us good. What makes us sought after. We dont have to be gorgeous. It feels nice sometimes, but beauty is what we do for others, how we love someone, our compassion. Woman dont see this. They are caught up in the other kind of beauty, but God doesnt even see that beauty. He sees the true us. And I realized after reading this section that GOD is the one I want to think I am beautiful. He is the one that matters! I wish people knew that. I really do.
This section was hard for me to swallow. Instantly the word beauty is like cold ice running down my back. I mean its there and then its gone its this and its that. It makes you feel good an hurts you at the same time. Beauty is a farce. Right? Well now I dont know. I mean beauty I guess gets a bad wrap because in our society we make it more of a physical thing. Beauty is how you wear your hair, the clothes you wear and how much they cost, the size of your waste, the bulge of da bust. I mean beauty has always been to me something I want but in the end felt bad about trying so deeply to achieve.
Beauty is girls and handsome is boys. Beauty is pink, and sparkles, and... blonde.
Beauty has made me terribly sad when I didnt have "it". I used to cry, I used to cover the mirror in my bathroom because I didnt want to see myself get out of the shower. I got to the point where everytime I walked past a mirror I would make a crazy face at it so I didnt have to deal with the fact that I really didnt like my own face. How is this feeling good!? Why would I want to achieve it? I DONT KNOW I JUST DO!!
Then one day I lost loads of weight. I was sick, sick as a dog. For months. I couldnt eat. 6 months of this. And BAM... a princess was born! I felt like crap all the time but I sang and danced everywhere! I was "BEAUTIFUL". I was a size 6-8 my face was thin. I was losing hair by the handfuls because I had no nutrition in my body but WOW I looked not too shabby when I walked past that mirror.
What did this get me? Creepy guys. So very many creepy guys. I remember in England Ashley and I were walking down the road and these guys approached us. One of them got uncomfertabley close and started asking me questions. Ashley the amazing sister she is got in full protection mode. But these guys were so toasted they didnt really seem to notice Ashley's mood change to guardian sister. One guy said "what you do for..." and made a gesture. I pretended to not understand. He said it again. My stomach started to curl. I was totally freaked out. I knew Ash would try and do something if things started to get worse and I didnt want her to get hurt. And I was clearly worried about other things at this point too. Duh. And then ... God came flying down... one of the other guys said "leave her alone man she is just trying to enjoy her vacation. You are freaking her out." I know he saw Ashley I just know he did, but at that moment God used that man as a vessel to keep us safe Im sure he did. Then as if to let me know that this world is a scary place and just to finish off the "I hate my beauty" moment the creepy man leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Then started to walk really fast because Ashley stepped forward, haha. When I looked down at my hands they were shaking. I didnt want to be beautiful anymore.
----
I know a lot of history there sorry. But I kept reading on about beauty, and I made a realization. Beauty can be physical but the beauty we want people to see is who we are. What makes us good. What makes us sought after. We dont have to be gorgeous. It feels nice sometimes, but beauty is what we do for others, how we love someone, our compassion. Woman dont see this. They are caught up in the other kind of beauty, but God doesnt even see that beauty. He sees the true us. And I realized after reading this section that GOD is the one I want to think I am beautiful. He is the one that matters! I wish people knew that. I really do.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Captivating 10.4.2008
Captivating: An Irreplaceable Role in a Great Adventure
WOAH! Ok I am officially sure that this book was meant just for me!
"A woman is a warrior too."
I have this vision. I am a warrior. I ride on the back of a dragon. I have a sword. I have a bible. I am a woman. I fight the spiritual battles for God.
I fight scary things. But I know that it's ok. I know that I am needed and I know that God is always with me. These two things make it so I am never afraid!
"There is something fierce in the heart of a woman."
This is so true, but I have noticed it is a more gentle feircness. We defend. We protect. And if possible we save the feelings of everyone in the situation. Even if they were in the wrong. I mean this is not always true just a simple observation.
"We do not want the adventures merely for adventure's sake but for what it requires of us for others."
I have always had this feeling. That we are not put here to spend our lives alone. Or even for ourselves. We are meant to do things for others. We are here to help each other. What would be the point of spending our entire lives aquiring things for ourselves. What on earth would we do with that when its time to go. They can't come with us. I mean for some its all about what they can leave behind for their loved ones. That is unselfish I can understand that. However the selfish things we do to achieve that goal, that is where the problem is. People spend all their time working and never with their families and then in the end they give them a house, a car, some money, but they forgot to teach them about love, and the importance of giving. Then people dont want to be needed, they only want to need things.
Life is a wierd thing. Being me is a wierd thing. I want to be needed and I know people need me. But how do I get to them, and how do I get over my fears that make a constant block that divides me from them, and my relationship with God.
WOAH! Ok I am officially sure that this book was meant just for me!
"A woman is a warrior too."
I have this vision. I am a warrior. I ride on the back of a dragon. I have a sword. I have a bible. I am a woman. I fight the spiritual battles for God.
I fight scary things. But I know that it's ok. I know that I am needed and I know that God is always with me. These two things make it so I am never afraid!
"There is something fierce in the heart of a woman."
This is so true, but I have noticed it is a more gentle feircness. We defend. We protect. And if possible we save the feelings of everyone in the situation. Even if they were in the wrong. I mean this is not always true just a simple observation.
"We do not want the adventures merely for adventure's sake but for what it requires of us for others."
I have always had this feeling. That we are not put here to spend our lives alone. Or even for ourselves. We are meant to do things for others. We are here to help each other. What would be the point of spending our entire lives aquiring things for ourselves. What on earth would we do with that when its time to go. They can't come with us. I mean for some its all about what they can leave behind for their loved ones. That is unselfish I can understand that. However the selfish things we do to achieve that goal, that is where the problem is. People spend all their time working and never with their families and then in the end they give them a house, a car, some money, but they forgot to teach them about love, and the importance of giving. Then people dont want to be needed, they only want to need things.
Life is a wierd thing. Being me is a wierd thing. I want to be needed and I know people need me. But how do I get to them, and how do I get over my fears that make a constant block that divides me from them, and my relationship with God.
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